Being a homework slave

I will write now without caring much about the quality.

I have been a homework slave for about a week now. I wonder how I have enjoyed it so far.

I like some of the interactions, the intensity of the mental dynamic of domination and submission which underlies them. It is a dynamic which I do more than my fair share of maintaining. Using whatever linguistic and literary resources are at my disposal, I bow and scrape before my mistresses, flattering them with servile language.

Is it that they are only responding to my cue when they become correspondingly condescending, insulting, and sometimes harsh, severe, domineering and controlling?

It is like the dynamic between the bully and his victim, but when the victim secretly relishes the torment inflicted upon him, reveling in his submission.

I have thought some other things, about the morality of it, and all the rest of it. I mean, that they lose out on the development of technical skill, and the development of the moral understanding of the value of work. But such considerations cannot shake the sheer fascination of the power dynamic.

But, there is more to our relations than the fantasy power dynamic which I attempt to sustain. On this point, I might just note that the posturing of terror is a common theme, that is, pretending, or is it pretending, to be terrified of my mistresses, begging for their mercy and forgiveness, all the while enjoying their severity.

But, what I wanted to say was this: that of late, I have come to see these self-created duties as the most important duties in my life, and everything else, which even makes such indulgences possible, rather as hindrances. It is as if I wanted to spend 24 hours a day being a homework slave, if not actually doing the homework, then waiting or searching for the opportunity to do so.

But it is not the homework, as we know. It is the idea of the other person, whose homework we are doing, and our relationship of power with them.

There has been some frustration. Even a lot of frustration, anger, hatred, for anything which threatens the prompt execution of the services I have contracted under the influence of desire and lust. But, also some frustration with the way my efforts have sometimes been received.

I do not mind the contempt of my mistresses. Even, I enjoy it. But, I have sometimes been frustrated just by their inability to recognise the value of the work. Or no, that is not it. Rather, it is when they doubt the work because of the weight of the school pressure. One is encountered in these moments not with a mistress, stern and demanding, but a human being under the burden of school-based anxiety, fearful that the work is not enough, is not what is wanted.

The driving force for them, my mistresses, is the fear of failure. The fascination with the interpersonal power dynamic is secondary, although it is interesting to me, because it is expressed in different ways, as mentioned before, from condescending to severe, to just plain neglectful, as it intersects with their other concerns and characteristics.

Scope for development? Maybe, a collegial sort of development is possible, the slave who is also a teacher, like the Greek tutors of Roman students. It is something I hope for: growth, development, transformation, of a raw emotion to something softer and more refined. Why? Because the demanding nature of these exercises causes too much anxiety and frustration. One wants to return to a more broad-minded and easy outlook on life.