Recent episodes

I have occasion today to describe the nature of my most recent fall downs, as I like to call them, because it has happened again over the last weekend. I find that it is quite pointless feeling disappointed about them, although they are disappointing, because feeling so does nothing to prevent them from recurring. So let me rather just describe them.

Of course, I have described them, both in the build-up phase and in the after-effects quite elaborately, I feel, in previous entries, and I do not wish to repeat what has been stated before.

Should I call these episodes fall-downs at all? Yes, because I still would prefer them not to happen, and I am still aiming to attain a state of being in which they do not happen. The fall-down, or the episode, is a reversion to an earlier habit of masturbation, in which the construction of an elaborate mental fantasy brings about sexual arousal, and release. Previously, this was a daily practice with me, for a number of years. I always felt uncomfortable with the practice, but I used to rationalise it to myself. When my discomfiture reached a point of really wanting to give it up, I found that I simply could not bring myself to stop it.

When I took to spiritual life in a serious way, sometime in my late twenties, the habit did stop, for a while. At that time I suffered from many dreams which brought about involuntary arousal and release, and I found them very disturbing and depressing. Then came the discovery of internet pornography, and this became a habit which occurred with some regularity, at intervals of two to three months, ever since.

The most recent manifestations occur in this manner: first comes a strong build-up of repressed sexual desire. This first stage is not what I would regard as a natural function. Rather, it is the result of a number of choices which I make on a daily basis with regard to how I choose to view the world, and to assign value to my thoughts, and my sense perceptions. For example, I may see something quite wonderful in nature, like the build up of clouds, or a spray of stars in the night sky, and these ought to be sufficient, and more than sufficient, to excite my interest, wonder and gratitude, but, instead of doing so, my attention is pulled by what is going on in nearby houses, or in some people passing nearby, and the nature of this curiosity is sexual.

This goes on for some time, and, after some time, an opportunity presents itself, in terms of space and time, to further arouse my interest by recourse to the internet. It begins with erotic literature, because in erotic literature the form of the fantasy, and its interactive dynamic is presented. In the beginning, the fantasy is guided by the images of all the people at whom I have looked in the preceding weeks, and they all may be considered as a certain type. At this stage, my mind will begin constructing the images of a unique fantasy, and will do so in a continuous way, changing images and elements, and thoughts of motion, with a rapid intensity, because no one image is ever satisfying.

The desire to actualise the desire may lead me to active forms of contemplation of establishing a connection with someone with a corresponding desire, and so I may look at some personal advertisements in the casual encounter sections, or on some match-making website which caters for these sorts of things, but, apart from being disgusted by what I find there, and indeed, I never find any advertisement which is really appealing, my present situation in life makes the entire enterprise most impracticable (for which I thank God) and so I give it up. Giving up any plan for actualising my desire in the flesh, I give myself the permission to look at some image on the internet.

With regard to the image, what I am looking for is something alluring, but not explicit, and such images are to by found in popular media, without recourse to hard-core pornography. Of course, in searching through the images, one is inevitably exposed to the more explicit images, and so one’s mind becomes polluted.

There are a number of images in popular media, in Japanese and Indian soap operas especially, which are most successful in arousing one’s desire, but no one image is ever truly satisfying, because one inevitably passes from one to another to another, without ever finding the perfect one. The reason for this, I suspect, is that what one is really looking for is not only an image, but a relationship, and not only a relationship, but a relationship which is based on genuine mutual interest and regard, and not on wealth.

Then I set aside the search through images, and find that my mind has become geared towards constructing fantasies. There are certain parameters which, thankfully, must be observed, respecting my present situation. As such, it is difficult to construct a fantasy which really matches with my present social situation, which is different than what was the case previously. So, in the last few occasions at least, the fantasy-building ran in directions which did not match-up with my present life-circumstances, but which somehow or other had a powerful allure.

The object of the fantasy is another dimension which must observe the set parameters, for which, again, I am grateful, and so, at least on the most recent occasion, this last weekend, the person imagined was not someone I knew, but was someone that I had a brief glimpse of some months before in a public place. Of course, I have forgotten most of their physical characteristics, but the one or two which remained in my mind was sufficient. Then the fantasy construction begins, using elements of what I have already encountered in my internet searches, beginning with the images and postures which I purposefully looked up – the soft core pornography, if you will, and inevitably driving towards the other images which I picked up on the way, the hard core pornography. I am subjugated, and the other is cruel and triumphant.

So the fantasy runs, but I do not want to attain sexual release. These days, I find myself only wanting to build and view the fantasy, and build and view it again. This process continues, and I fall asleep. But while I am sleeping, the fantasy continues to run, and, in my sleep, the sexual release is attained. I wake up feeling dirty and disappointed.

It is difficult to imagine ever being free from this condition of life, but I am still trying for it.


The consequences

The immediate consequences of indulging in pornographic behaviours, including fantasy-building, are mental. Aside from feelings of shame, regret, and emotional mortification, which I have already described in an earlier entry, there comes, after a period, another phase of mental activity, which is characterised by the awakening, or the strengthening of an alternative mental voice in one’s consciousness.

The presence of what might be termed an alien mental voice is one of ancient duration. It is a voice which intrudes upon one’s consciousness with a blasphemous remark. It’s language is vulgar and insulting. Its comments are such as to cause a spasm of hatred and fury directed towards the only object available for such rage: one’s own body. One is filled with an uncontrollable rage, and a mad impulse to tear the flesh from one’s face in fury and revenge.

The voice constructs its blasphemous and injurious language at crucial moments, which, ordinarily, would provide one the opportunity for a prayer of gratitude. Instead of the prayer, however, the mind constructs some nasty comment, directed, as the prayer would have been, towards God. Before one is able to check the comment from formulating, it is completed, and it seems that a defeat has taken place within the mind. At this moment, there may be rage, or merely the weakness of defeat. These sort of mental movements probably take place quite frequently, beyond the range of our observation or recollection, but, in the wake of a gross fall down, as in the case of pornography, the mental process is elevated to the fore of one’s consciousness, and one is able to detect quite clearly the influence of a negative force within the mind.

The general reaction to the expression of blasphemous remarks within the mind, is to try to counteract them by a forced process of logical reasoning, and an apology to God for allowing the thought to emerge at all. Then one tries to ferret out the root cause of the blasphemous remark, and argue with it, and try to beat it down with a number of approved mental statements.

After some time, one is able to perceive when the mind is about to make a blasphemous remark, and to make the attempt to intercept it, by increasing the intensity of one’s present activity. One of course wants to avoid developing nervous twitches, or idiosyncratic behaviour, so one has to practice rather a direct internal appeal to God, or to one’s own mind, before the blasphemous remark is formulated. At other times, without making any effort at all, one is able to perceive the mind simply slipping past the grip of the negative influence, and one is left in some confusion and wonder that this could have taken place, but one’s interest should not become too sticky, lest the demonic grip should attach itself once again to the mental process, and so one just goes with the flow.

Then one returns again to the condition before the pornographic fall down, where the battle for the mind continues to take place, but under conditions where something like fair play can be observed. The battle is characterised by the two-pronged attack on the self in the form of lust and envy, both powerful forces which wreak havoc within the mind, and which, necessarily attach to one’s conceptions of the people around us. It is in our conduct of these daily battles that our ultimate fate, liberation or slavery, is determined. We should not desire to quit the field where victory is still possible.

In the wake of destruction

In the beginning, let me utter a caution to you that what follows may be disturbing to your mind. I am writing all this by way of expunging elements in my own mind which are most impure, and so, if you choose to read on, then please take the precaution of maintain an objective distance.

There are just a few points which I wanted to discuss regarding the condition of the mind following the fall down. By fall down, I mean the action of steeping the mind in degrading thought, which, as described in the previous entry, entails the imagination of a particular other in the context of inverted and perverted social roles.

The essence of the fantasy, as I have stated before, is the imagining of the other as deriving an immense, sexual satisfaction in being the object of our worship. This feeling of sexual satisfaction in the other, is strongly wedded to a corresponding feeling of contempt towards the worshipper. The fantasy consists, in essence, of the imagined facial features and bodily demeanour of the object of worship in the light of these two prevailing emotional states: sexual satisfaction and contempt.

Then there are the secondary aspects of the fantasy, which are nonetheless important in lending the mental picture its evocative power. These aspects include place, social relationships, cultural artefacts, and bodily features. These different aspects of the person imagined, and our imagined relationship with them, are subjugated to the sexual function.

The place of the fantasy is most often a social setting whose real purpose is unrelated to the sexual function. Examples are the school, the office, the temple, church or mosque, the park, the hospital, and the home. The different settings of the fantasy will usually incorporate the social relationships and the cultural artefacts. In the fantasy, the real function of these social settings is subverted to the sexual drive. The school is meant for learning, the office for working, the temple, church or mosque for worshipping the Deity, the park for recreation, the hospital for healthcare, and the home for reproduction. There is place, properly speaking, for the sexual function in the home, but reproduction refers to the broader sphere of activities which take place for the regeneration of its inhabitants’ energies.

The social relationships which a person enjoys in these various settings also become subservient to the sexual function in the fantasy. In real life, our social relationships assist us in attaining various goals, which we consider to be of value. Such goals may be education, health, economic development, cultural development, or spiritual development. In the fantasy, the relationships of the other, the object of the fantasy, become completely subservient to the goal of his or her moral corruption, the image of her face and body in the light of intense sexual pleasure and contempt for her worshipper, the subject of the fantasy, ourselves.

Cultural artefacts serve the same purposes, ideally, and in reality, as places and social relationships. They are meant for helping a person obtain certain goals. Religious attire, for example, is meant to inculcate humility, in both the wearer and the viewer. The school uniform marks a person as a student, someone in training, the suit indicates a person in some form of social responsibility, the uniform indicates some other social role. In the fantasy, these cultural artefacts are used to imbue the image with a certain poignancy, again, related to the inversion of the proper social functions associated with such artefacts to the moral corruption of the object of the fantasy, as opposed to their real and actual elevation.

Finally there is the aspect of the bodily features of the person imagined. These serve as markers, or indicators, to which the mind melds itself, as it attempts to form some strong association, or bond, with the object of the fantasy. The face of the person is their strongest identifier, and so the face must be imagined, its features rendered in some form compatible with the natural features of the person imagined, and with the emotional experience which they undergo in the context of the fantasy. As such, it is probable that there is a degree of correspondence between the way we imagine a person in the fantasy, and the way that they actually are. In other words, there is a remote possibility of the fantasy being realised, at least in a limited way. But the fantasy can never be fully realised, or render full and real satisfaction, because it entails the corruption of other means and ends which we and the person imagined value as social and individual goals. Without the presence of these other values, the fantasy has no meaning, because the fantasy consists in the inversion of these values. More than this, the fantasy, which entails the destruction of these values, could never be actualised without their real existence, because, in real life, we need at the very least, clothes to wear, food to eat, and a place to stay. None of these are possible without the pursuit of these higher goals.

Of course, the other bodily feature imagined is the foot, which, after the face, is one of the most distinctive bodily parts of a person. The foot is highly suggestive to the fetishist. It is the focus of his attraction. In the fantasy, the focus upon the foot, or the worship of the foot, of the imagined other, accomplishes the function of subjugation of the self towards the image of the other. This act of subjugation of the self, or rather, of one’s established self concept, is further accomplished by the imagination of the anus and the genitals of the other, which the fantasy must descend to, in the course of its operation, in order to most effectively accomplish its object: the effacement of one’s self concept. The imagination of the base bodily parts of the other is accomplished in relation to one’s self concept, and one’s imagining of the other in the dual light of sexual exhilaration and contempt, even hatred, towards one’s self concept. This imagined picture includes ideas of motion, of friction, and of overcoming resistance, both physical and moral, or, more precisely, the overcoming of our own moral resistance by ideas of bodily shape, mental attitude (as indicated in facial expression) and physical motion of the imagined other.

The final element of the fantasy, which I have not yet touched upon, is the element of sound, and language. Here, the function of language, like everything else, is made subject to the needs of the fantasy for self-effacement. And so, sound and language is reduced to a series of assertions exalting the other and degrading the self. Of course, the other is not really exalted by such statements, or assertions, because these assertions are designed to invert and pervert the real values which alone can, in reality and in actuality, benefit the person imagined. The assertions can be variously stated, but, in essence, they can be reduced to two: “You are God,” as uttered by ourselves to the object of the fantasy, and “You are dog,” as uttered by the imagined object of the fantasy to ourselves. The placement of these assertions serves the dual imagining of the other in the light of sexual excitement, and contempt. This becomes allied with imaginings of place, in some sanctified social environment; social relationships, which augment the basic corruption of character involved; cultural artefacts, which distinguish the person imagined; their twisted facial features, the shape, colour and weight of their feet, and bodily motions, which overcome our moral resistance; and finally rendering the image of the other in terms of the violent exploitation of their baser bodily parts for the assertion of their utter and complete dominance over the self-concept.

By the end of the fantasy, the picture we have created of the other could not be more alien, or injurious, to them or to ourselves. Yet, this entire process of mental imagination has somehow or other become the means of our own sexual gratification.

To highlight the perversion involved, to make more clearly perceivable the inherent contradictions involved, one need only conduct the following thought experiment: instead of imagining the other in the standard postures of the fantasy, imagine oneself in that way. There could be nothing more reprehensible to our feelings, than to be worshipped in the same way which we would worship another for sexual satisfaction. It revolts against every natural feeling, and we instinctively shy away from such attention, recognising that the moral corruption, the cruelty, the contempt, which we are happy to imagine in others, would be unacceptable to ourselves in the guarding of our own moral character.

I have not yet written about the actual consequences of the fantasising process. This must be left for the next entry.


Another Fall

I have had another fall: abusing the internet, and I am sorry for it. I know that I am better than this. Unfortunately, I took the decision to turn away from the proper goal of my life, and to absorb my mind in degeneracy. The circumstances were conducive. It was late at night, I was at my parent’s house, and I was frustrated because there was nothing to watch on TV.

I began by reading erotic fiction, looking for the key words which would excite my own imagination. I briefly looked at some imagery, and then went to bed, my mind grasping at certain old images. I dose off to sleep, my mind still grasping at images, and fell in my sleep.

The following morning, this morning, in fact, so as to run and hide away from the consequences of my actions, my mind again reeled violently in the busy creation of a fantasy, even while I was awake and preparing myself for the day. I allowed the mind to go pretty far in the creation of the fantasy, and it became far more indecent than anything which I had read or seen the night before. How far could the mind go? It went quite far indeed, down the plunge to utter darkness.

This struggle with the wild plunge to degeneracy is the struggle of my life, and it is by no means certain that I shall emerge victorious, with a mind and heart purged of the strong tendency to degradation. It is quite possible that I shall fail utterly at the last, and glide helplessly to hell. Whatever the case, I shall leave some record behind.

Some things to observe, I have observed them before, and shall most probably make mention of them again.

  1. There can be no doubt at all about the close relationship between the strong tendency to glance lustfully at people and the creation of fantasies. Often, however, the images garnered from the lustful glance are not used in the fantasies. There is in other words a distinction between the objects which we admire and worship in our waking state, and the images we worship in the fantasy. In particular, the images we admire and worship in the waking state – being a combination of intense desire for a wistful and unattainable form and the putrefication of the flesh inherent in that form –  are deliberately kept apart from the fantasy because of the strength of our attachment to them. In the construction of fantasies, we only use permitted images, usually signifiers of people whom we do not particularly admire for their beauty. Because we do not admire and revere them for their beauty, we permit ourselves to use their images for the construction of the fantasy. But, the powerful strength of our desire for the other images, the images which we do not use in the fantasy, is precisely what pushes us to the exploitation of lesser regarded images. In other words, the entire lustful enterprise, including the admiration and reverence for figures of beauty which we call pristine, must be entirely uprooted.
  2. It has been mentioned – the first type of image, that which we call pristine, is inherently debased, and it is the element of debasement in figures of phenomenal beauty, the bodily stench, which constitutes the object of our attraction for them.
  3. The creation of the fantasy is dependent on the inversion and perversion of social roles. Various polar opposites must be inverted and perverted to accomplish sexual arousal: doctor-patient; teacher-pupil; parent-child; husband-wife and so forth. Inversion consists in the deliberate shifting of power to the opposite pole associated with normal social conventions, and perversion entails the rendering of these relationships in purely sexual terms.
  4. How far did my mind go this morning? I selected an image of a girl, not particularly attractive, whose features do not naturally lend themselves to archness or corruption, although they do lend themselves to images of violence and aggression, and imagined her subjugating myself, then another, then another, then her parents, her siblings, the world, the universe. How far could it go? It touched that which I would not have it touch, and I had to pull back. By now, my brain was becoming thoroughly stupid. But I remembered the following facts:
    1. The image of the girl had to be invested with its power, which meant that it was not, and could never be the source or origin of that power.
    2. The image of the girl was sustained in its position of power by another power.
    3. Because the invested power of the girl was derived from the inversion and perversion of ordinary social relationships, it meant that she was necessarily kept in a state of ignorance and corruption, existing only for depraved sexual pleasure, and never knowing the real meaning of life, or the joy of living.

I wish to God that I had never fallen. I know that I would have been happier if I had not, if I had only shut the door on temptation, and gone to bed early. Now I sink under feelings of guilt and shame, and am less free than what I was. And the worst of it is, the ever present imperative to glance at some image of phenomenal beauty, the desperate grasp at the illusion to cover my sense of self-conscious shame, remains as strong as ever.



The Muslim Girl

A curious change occurred in my sexual proclivities some years ago. It was surely not the first time I had seen a woman in a niqab, but, at that time, that particular juncture of circumstances, the sight of a woman, walking briskly in a niqab awoke something in my consciousness, the possibility of investing my desires into a particular symbol. The process is similar to the first time one begins to view pornography: amongst other things, the habit is formed due to the economy of effort required to sustain a sexual desire. The muslim woman, or the muslim girl, is just the same: a concept which represents an economy of effort in sustaining erotic imagery. Prior to this development, all of my erotic imagery was personal: it was related to people whom I actually knew, or had regular encounters with. Then came a phase of abstinence, then the concept of the muslim woman, and then the concept of the muslim girl. For the first time, the erotic idea had become associated with a broad category, rather than an individual person. This was due, as I have surmised, due to unconscious considerations of economy.

The categories involved may have been different, if my circumstances had been different. As it was, I was, and still am, involved in a situation in which there are numerous occasions to see muslim women and girls. If I had been living in a Jewish neighbourhood, no doubt, I would be writing about Jewish girls, and so on. The categories which could potentially elicit erotic desire are endless, because they could be combined in countless ways – for example: Muslim girls of Indian, Gujarati descent, or Christian girls of Icelandic descent, or Navaho girls with Bostonian accents, and so on.

The question is whether there is anything more behind the curiosity than proximity. Or, another way of putting it would be whether there is some reason for the proximity, and for the attraction. The question immediately suggests a functional relation between one’s chosen and given religious, or dharmic, or philosophic path, call it what you will, and an alternative source of attraction designed, one might say, to distract one’s attention from that path. There can be no denying that the attraction is primarily sexual, and the religious element in the desire, the niqab, the hijab, or even just the subtle signs of self-identification which all muslim females display, regardless of their apparel, is also primarily sexual.

There is no doubt that muslim women wear the niqab and the hijab for very devout and pious purposes, but the effect of wearing such apparel is not devout or pious. That is not their fault, it is our fault. All the signs of religiousness which they display, and the same may be conceivably said for any religious female, awakens in the corrupted and depraved heart the intense desire to un-conceal their modesty, to ravish their chastity, and, following this the automatic reflex of utter revulsion and disgust, once they have been revealed in their commonness. Such a man is lost to himself.

But let me come back to the point of the suggestion of beauty. That indeed, is precisely what any instance of phenomenal beauty must be, only a suggestion. It can never be anything more. In Muslim women in particular, because the religion is becoming more prominent in the world, the general customs have created a powerful aura, or suggestion of beauty, and, correspondingly, of sexual enjoyment. If it is by design, then it is the design only of a higher power, as a means of proselytisation. And because the suggestion of sexual enjoyment, and the Muslim scenario offers a number of attractive, and not impossible, though outlandish, possibilities for contemplation – better not go into them here, or anywhere else – because such a suggestion is the primary engine of proselytisation, indeed, the only engine, I would say, of proselytisation, it follows that the intention behind the supernatural display of Islam is illusory, or, to put it another way, not the preferred path. It is presented, and offered, only as a means of tricking people into adopting a rigorous and limited form of religiosity by the sexual allure as a means of keeping them out of a worse kind of trouble.

Having said that, there is no doubt that the faith would confer a number of material benefits upon its followers, if not the realisation of the sexual fantasies which motivated the conversion in the first place. Indeed, the idea behind the religion would be that its practice would lift the mind of the practitioner – most commonly by the intrusion of the practical concerns of everyday life – from those sexual contemplations, at least temporarily. True transcendence of the sexual desire is another matter altogether.

I have no reason to think that a temporary distraction from the sexual imperative is impossible in Islam, or in any other faith, but, true transcendence of the sexual desire is another matter altogether.  If I converted to Islam with the hope of enjoying a particular range of sexual experiences, I have no doubt that in the end, however long that may take, I would become disillusioned with the self-created promise of sexual enjoyment, and begin to cast my eyes elsewhere. This is the nature of sexual enjoyment. It does not change in the slightest because of the colour of a person’s skin, their accent, the length of their hair, or the faith which they profess. The sexual enjoyment is always the same, and the sexual disappointment, and the hope of finding a better sort of sexual fulfilment elsewhere, is also always the same. Has anyone ever seriously claimed otherwise?

So, where to from here? First, let me make a brief aside: what I have written so far just as well applies to a Muslim man, frustrated with his life, and looking over the wall at his Christian, or Jewish, or whatever kind of neighbour. So does what follows. The only solution is to discipline the mind. The mind desires what it perceives on the other side of the fence, without comprehending the essential banality of its own desires, or the basic commonness of experience which all people share. The attractive allure must be shunned, in favour of the great path which lies at our feet, the path which can be found nowhere else, and the full energies and compass of the mind must be devoted, utterly and without distraction, to taking only one more step along that great path. To hell with anything else.

There will be many other distractions, even along that path.