Being a homework slave

I will write now without caring much about the quality.

I have been a homework slave for about a week now. I wonder how I have enjoyed it so far.

I like some of the interactions, the intensity of the mental dynamic of domination and submission which underlies them. It is a dynamic which I do more than my fair share of maintaining. Using whatever linguistic and literary resources are at my disposal, I bow and scrape before my mistresses, flattering them with servile language.

Is it that they are only responding to my cue when they become correspondingly condescending, insulting, and sometimes harsh, severe, domineering and controlling?

It is like the dynamic between the bully and his victim, but when the victim secretly relishes the torment inflicted upon him, reveling in his submission.

I have thought some other things, about the morality of it, and all the rest of it. I mean, that they lose out on the development of technical skill, and the development of the moral understanding of the value of work. But such considerations cannot shake the sheer fascination of the power dynamic.

But, there is more to our relations than the fantasy power dynamic which I attempt to sustain. On this point, I might just note that the posturing of terror is a common theme, that is, pretending, or is it pretending, to be terrified of my mistresses, begging for their mercy and forgiveness, all the while enjoying their severity.

But, what I wanted to say was this: that of late, I have come to see these self-created duties as the most important duties in my life, and everything else, which even makes such indulgences possible, rather as hindrances. It is as if I wanted to spend 24 hours a day being a homework slave, if not actually doing the homework, then waiting or searching for the opportunity to do so.

But it is not the homework, as we know. It is the idea of the other person, whose homework we are doing, and our relationship of power with them.

There has been some frustration. Even a lot of frustration, anger, hatred, for anything which threatens the prompt execution of the services I have contracted under the influence of desire and lust. But, also some frustration with the way my efforts have sometimes been received.

I do not mind the contempt of my mistresses. Even, I enjoy it. But, I have sometimes been frustrated just by their inability to recognise the value of the work. Or no, that is not it. Rather, it is when they doubt the work because of the weight of the school pressure. One is encountered in these moments not with a mistress, stern and demanding, but a human being under the burden of school-based anxiety, fearful that the work is not enough, is not what is wanted.

The driving force for them, my mistresses, is the fear of failure. The fascination with the interpersonal power dynamic is secondary, although it is interesting to me, because it is expressed in different ways, as mentioned before, from condescending to severe, to just plain neglectful, as it intersects with their other concerns and characteristics.

Scope for development? Maybe, a collegial sort of development is possible, the slave who is also a teacher, like the Greek tutors of Roman students. It is something I hope for: growth, development, transformation, of a raw emotion to something softer and more refined. Why? Because the demanding nature of these exercises causes too much anxiety and frustration. One wants to return to a more broad-minded and easy outlook on life.

Relapse

I am writing again from a place of darkness.

It is the darkness of the mind, when the mind becomes enslaved to an overarching language, an overarching idea.

Let me go back.

For a considerable period of time, I was free of the lure of pornography, or rather, the lure of lust. I had found an online community, and had entered into some online relationships, which so occupied my mind and thoughts, that there was no scope for the slide into degrading voyeurism.

I do not know what changed, but, after about six months, I found myself searching for those video clips on Facebook.

I do not write of all of my forays into the obsessive world of fetishism, only what stands out in my mind, some time later.

On two occasions of searching through fetishistic videos on Facebook, I noticed that there are different types of videos. Most of the videos were professional, that is, recorded by a third party director and observer, and recording interactions which were professional, that is to say, paid for in a regular way. The clips were made for sale, no doubt. Most of the clips were short, and I could not watch all of them, because there was something distasteful about them. Usually, they are of a masked man, voluptuously licking the sole of a woman’s shoe, or licking her bare feet, which images, along with the sound effect, were generally repulsive.

The greatest regret is the mindset, which compels me to waste so much time searching through these videos.

Another category of the professional video is the lengthy professional video, which is usually of Chinese, or Asian origin. The only difference here is there length, which can run up to an hour, sometimes of the same scenario, where a professional dominatrix humiliates and tortures a client. The scene is being recorded by a third party. The interaction between the dominatrix and the client is harsh and gross and cold, and also leaves one feeling disgusted and repelled, and one again regrets the mental compulsion which induces one to watch it.

Then there is the amateur video, which is filmed not by a third party director, but by one of the participants in the fetishistic encounter, usually the female, the person who plays the dominant role in the interaction, and she is recording the scene on her cell phone. Somehow or other, what was perhaps meant only for private amusement has been appropriated into the current of recorded materials depicting the fetishistic sexual encounter.

The amateur videos had a stronger appeal to me, because they were of almost naturalistic encounters. They awaken desire in a way which the professional videos cannot, because they suggest that such scenarios can take place within one’s daily life, without recourse to the formal activities which make up the encounter with the professional dominatrix.

On the first occasion, the amateur video I had found, and which I am not likely to find again, had been recorded by a teenage girl on her cell phone, and she was recording her step brother, kissing the floor she had walked on, and then kissing her hand, then her foot, and then the sole of her foot. They were in a room, and one could hear the voices of two other younger girls, their sisters. It was a childish game. The girl was forcing her younger brother to worship her because he wanted to use her television screen. At one point, when the step brother was kissing the sole of her foot, one of the younger sisters said in an admonishing tone “That’s dirty Crystal.”

The appeal of this scene is that it is of something that happens naturally, when young boys and girls play together. Although there is an element of moral danger, there is none of the cold-hearted cynicism, the utter despair and hopelessness, which characterises the professional scenes.

The other amateur videos, which were of a type I had seen before, were the ones recorded by a findomme, a young girl who feeds the fetish of handing over money to bratty young girls. Here, we saw from the camera of the girl’s cellphone, a young man, face covered, kneeling before her, paying a large amount of money into her hand, then kissing her feet, after which she stands upon his prostrated body, and continues walking away. The whole interaction takes about two minutes, and costs the young man over a hundred dollars.

The attraction here is again the informal setting of the transaction, and, above all, the attitude of the girl. The attractive feature of the girl is her attitude, coupled with her sexual innocence. Although her demeanour is selfish and harsh, which is a necessary feature of her sexual attraction, and the sexual arousal which her performance creates, she is not hardened in the same way that other professional sex workers are hardened, who have had those awful bodily and mental experiences drenched in shame, with many men. However, the work of the findomme comes close to this.

I now move on to my present situation, which I shall attempt to describe briefly.

It was due to an experience that I had on the online community I had earlier, that I got it into my head to become a homework slave on Twitter.

I got into it about a week ago. On the first night, I did a girl’s economics homework, and became aroused primarily by her bullying and exploitative attitude, as she gave me her work to do. Before the encounter was over, she had asked for money, which I did not refuse, but I did not give her either.

I was naturally reluctant to part with money in these encounters, but my present life circumstances are also such as to make this difficult and troublesome.

After completing her homework, I turned to another assignment, from a voluptuous and attractive looking young findomme, which was to write an abstract and introduction for a psychology research project.

I had responded to her tweet calling for homework slaves with exaggeratedly servile language, and she responded with the assignment question, and the phrase “up for the task loser?”

At the beginning of this interaction, I may have had a somewhat jocular attitude about the activities I was engaged in. However, as I worked on the assignment, and as she continually goaded and chastised and insulted me, I became worked up to a high pitch of sexual arousal, the likes of which I had never encountered before. I stayed up past midnight, past one, past two, working, begging her for a break, and being sternly reprimanded and insulted by her. Since I had begun earlier that night, up until past two in the morning, I was worked up into a stupefying state of arousal and desire.

Just before I could complete the assignment, however, the power went out.

I did not sleep at all that night, so electrified by lust and desire I had been by that encounter. The following day, I discovered that she had blocked me.

I made an attempt to send her a gift card, but Amazon stopped the transaction, because it seemed suspicious.

I have since that time contacted a number of other young girls asking for homework slaves, and I have completed a number of homework assignments for them. Some of the girls were appropriately derogatory, others more shy and reserved. In all of these interactions, the sexual arousal is built by the dialogue which accompanies the giving of homework, and my completing the homework task.

I have met another girl, for whom this activity was the first of its kind, and, in the beginning, her language was mild, but it steadily became more harsh and forbidding, which I encouraged by my servile and cringing responses.

At the present moment, I have decided not to contract more relationships of this kind, but to allow those which I have already formed to peter off in their own way, for I do not think that these girls will like to approach someone to do their homework, but prefer to be approached after they have put out a general call.

There is much more which can be said about this, and if I do not say it, others will.

Here, I shall only conclude by saying how much I miss the mental life I had before coming under the grip and compulsion of being a homework slave, and engaging in these relations of dominance and submission with young girls. The experience has captivated my imagination, for which I am sorry, because it seems to me that I was happier before, and life was more open and free and interesting.

I pray that I shall soon find a way out of this, and ask that you may pray with me.

Au Revoir.